NEW YORK, NY- Former President Bill Clinton underwent quadruple bypass surgery on Labor Day, much to the surprise of nearly everyone except Democratic strategists working on the Kerry campaign. According to recent polling, Clinton's life-threatening illness and the subsequent quasi-obituary coverage in the national media resulted in a six point bump for the current Democratic nominee, far bigger than the one following Kerry's own convention.

In talk show appearances over the holiday weekend, key Democrats praised the former President for his bravery in the face of such a life-threatening procedure and for "taking one for the team" during the party's darkest hour.

"Bill Clinton has always been a courageous American," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "And though he did not put his life on the line in Vietnam, he most certainly is doing so when it matters most, a fight to replace the other side's clueless dolt with our own clueless dolt. The stakes have never been higher, and our old friend came through for us."

The sudden reappearance of the former President on the front pages has led to a great deal of 90's nostalgia floating around: Dot-Com IPO's, grunge rock, and gainful employment.

"The 90's were great," recalled one thirty-year-old Minneapolis native. "I was just out of college on the GI Bill, and my National Guard unit was meeting a couple times per month. My wife had a good time, too, I guess. Of course, after two stop-loss tour extensions, I haven't seen her in over a year. If you see her, tell her to call me or something."

According to insiders, the idea of Clinton's heart disease was hatched a month ago in response to the GOP bounce following Ronald Reagan's funeral. At the time, George W. Bush had only to mention the conservative icon's legacy to gain a point or two on his rival. For McAuliffe, swift action was needed to balance the equation.

After pouring through the list of larger-than-life figures on the Democratic side who were still among the living, Bill Clinton was obvious, albeit only, choice.

"We agreed up front that the part about actually dying was probably a non-starter," said McAuliffe. "Permanent death was off the table pretty much from the beginning."

There are also rumors that former President Jimmy Carter had volunteered a brain aneurysm weeks ago but was denied by top DNC brass who explained that the scheme was only open to "two-termers." Party officials have denied the story, claiming that it was Carter's recent Cuba visit disqualified him from contention for a major public illness.

As with most things [and women] in his life, Clinton went all the way. Physicians reportedly offered Clinton the basic package, double bypass and a three week convalescent stint, but the gregarious Arkansan insisted on the quad. Under strict medical supervision, technicians injected the former President with four pounds of artery plaque, donated from noted Democratic benefactor George Soros.

Now that the Clinton gambit appears to have garnered some success, talk radio shows and neo-con blogs have resounded with GOP outrage.

"Manufacture a medical illness for political gain?" asked GOP chairman Ed Gillespie. "I can think of no more cynical and repugnant indictment of the state of American politics. By the way, Vice President Cheney is scheduled for his annual heart-shock therapy this Thursday when he will be clinically dead for up to fifteen sympathy-inducing seconds. Fox News has graciously agreed to broadcast the procedure live."

By late Tuesday evening, Clinton had recovered enough to make a brief public statement to the bank of TV cameras stationed just outside his hospital room. To the wild applause of reporters and pundits, Clinton referenced his old Beltway nickname in his address to supporters and party faithful.

"Go out there," he said, "and win one for The Zipper."