CAPE CANAVERAL, FL- It would be a laughable understatement to say that the 80's era vehicle has seen better days. Its heat tiles are slowly beginning to fail. Bits of foam fly off every time it starts up. The on-board computer, when it's working correctly, has a whopping 256 kilobytes of memory. There's no telling when or if the rattling bucket of obsolescence will ever work again, and now a group of people are stranded in orbit due to yet another hardware failure. To make matters worse, sources say that walking home is not an option.

In desperation, NASA administrator Michael Griffin swallowed his pride and reluctantly contacted the one man he knew could help. Fortunately, MTV's Xzibit has agreed to repair and rework the busted-up, hoopdy-ass space vehicle.

Any misgivings Griffin may have had quickly dissipated once he caught sight of the mockup for the new pimped-out shuttle. The admin reportedly jumped around the room like a pogo stick, waving his arms in the air and screaming. He hugged the rapper tightly for an uncomfortably long time until he was told to cut it out.

"N to the A to the double-Sizzle to the, um, A again," said the NASA chief. "Neon and flames and everything! Hell yeah!"

Griffin later said that he had secretly hoped for a new stereo system. Story Musgrave's Foghat tape has been stuck in the shuttle's in-dash 8-track deck as long as he can remember. In the end, though, he got so much more.

"First, we're going to start at the foundation with some sweet rims," said Xzibit. "The shuttle's already got some big ass wheels, but pretty soon it'll be sitting on a set of 72-inch Asanti Zebras. Pow! Solid rubber. Sure, it'll make landings kinda stiff, but you have to admit it looks a lot better."

Engineers say the proposed massive rear spoiler probably won't prevent bits of the shuttle from flying off during launch and re-entry, and might even make re-entry more difficult. However, after cruising around Cape Canaveral in the attention-grabbing mockup vehicle, NASA officials say the spoiler stays. Besides, materials engineers say the redesigned diamond-encrusted underbelly should be twice as heat resistant and four times as durable as the clunky black tiles currently glued onto the floating deathtrap.

"Our producer told us these guys are interested in space," said automotive customizer Mad Mike. "So, we put in a KL-448 gyroscope from Teledon Instruments and a tweaked-out Webber grill for tailgating. Plus, we've got 68 LCD screens that we're going to install on every flat surface in the shuttle, each one connected to a different Playstation or XBox."

However, they had to change plans when aerospace specialists discovered that the heft of the Microsoft gaming console would place far too high a burden on the launch rockets. In fact, experts believe an XBox may have been smuggled on board the Columbia in 2002, though experts have never determined what role, if any, it may have played in the accident.

The nasty-torn up flight seats will get some attention as well in the form of leather upholstery in peach and lime green. Once the sound guys install the subwoofers under the lumbar support, they will make the flat screens shake on the low notes and cause the viewer's eyes to jiggle.

Some worry that traditionalists in the aerospace community will balk at the idea, but Xzibit says the doubters don't have any workable alternatives. "If NASA wants more budget Benjamins, they're going to have to boost morale inside the agency as well as build interest outside," the auto enthusiast told Vibe Space & Technology. "The best way to do that is to build a space vehicle with ground effects, twice-pipes, curb feelers, and a repurposed hydraulics system."

A dash-mounted horn, a first for the space program, will play either La Cucaracha or the first two bars from the Star Trek theme.

Considering the urgency of the makeover mission, Xzibit says he'll get started on the body work as soon as the agency can provide space suits for himself and his team at West Coast Customs. There remains one logistical problem, however. The one remaining shuttle isn't flight ready at this time, and without a means to the vehicle, there isn't much they can do for the endangered crew.

"Oh, they're most likely going to die," admitted Griffin, quickly pointing to the glittering mockup craft. "Um, well, look at the shiny diamonds!"