LOS ANGELES, CA- The 78th annual Academy Awards ceremony was interrupted Sunday night as jihadists dressed in cowboy hats and assless leather chaps repelled onto the stage and took control of the star-studded international broadcast. To the horror of the captive audience, the hostage-takers joined hands and began chanting "we here, we're queer, but you probably already know that by now."

Before the show's producers knew what was happening, the gay terrorists had replaced all the winning envelopes with their own choices and were handing out armfuls of statuettes to unlikely Oscar contenders such as Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain and Macho Men in the documentary category, a six hour tribute to the music and cultural influence of The Village People.

Considered to be a fairly obvious target for evil-doers, the Oscars ceremony usually features some of the tightest security measures imaginable. So, how could a group of such flamboyant characters slip past the network of well-armed personnel? It may have had something to do with the months of rigorous military training at Al Qaeda camps in Southeast Asia and Fire Island. The more likely scenario, however, is that the American guards were hypnotized by the plethora of pendulous grade-A American breasts and that the terrorists, for whatever reason, were not.

It was only much later that the Kodak Theater's security team learned that the group was not, as it turned out, part of a song-and-dance number celebrating half a century of "jazz hands" in American film.

In fact, witnesses say the insurgents encountered no resistance at all. Host Jon Stewart reportedly fled the scene and was discovered several hours later hiding under a riser behind the stage, still conflicted about what to do.

"If I hit a gay guy everybody will hate me," mused Stewart. "On the other hand, I look like a terrible pussy for running in fear from a gang of unarmed queens. Where the hell are my writers?"

Even as this travesty of artistic justice transpired on stage, a resistance movement began forming in the crowd. Two-time Oscar winner Hillary Swank stood up at one point and attempted to regain control of the proceedings but was stopped in her tracks by a scathing remark about her couture outfit.

"The last time I saw that color it was pumped from my stomach," said a shirtless masked man with perfect abs. "Take one step closer, lady, and I'll do it again."

Swank quietly returned to her seat, reduced to tears.

All in all, the evening produced some confusing results. For example, the Oscar for best song went to "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls, an odd choice since the popular soundtrack tune hadn't appeared in a film in at least two years.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was the choice of Tom Cruise for Best Actor in War of the Worlds.

"I'm deeply honored by this," said Cruise, "especially since I wasn't even nominated. I just want to make it clear that this doesn't mean what you might think it means. As you can clearly see, Katie Holmes has been surgically attached to my torso- so, I am totally not gay. I'll have sex with her right here if you want. Do you?"

Thankfully, the thespian and his beard were escorted from the stage before anything tacky could happen.

For most of the evening, the California audience sat in stunned silence, apparently unsure whether the bold act of terrorism was a good or a bad thing. In live interviews during the hostage-standoff/ceremony, Hollywood A-listers tripped over themselves to show just how open-minded they were about the whole thing.

"People are people," said Best Actor nominee Philip Seymour Hoffman. "You know, strokes for folks- um, I'm not implying that I'm into dudes stroking one another or anything. That was probably a poor choice of words."

As entertaining as the takeover may have been at first, the endless stream of gay jokes and oblique anal sex references grew tiresome after two or three hours. By the time the men were presenting Judy Garland with a posthumous lifetime achievement award, the audience had had enough.

"OK, OK! We get it," said Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones as she grabbed the microphone. "You're gay. Can we get on with this? We've only got a baby sitter until midnight, and Michael is going to need a change by then."

Even before a sharp-tongued terrorist could issue a comment about her post-pregnancy gown, Zeta-Jones whipped out her "get out of fashion jail free" card, a DVD of Chicago as poof that she had appeared in a lavish stage-to-film adaptation of a major musical, a Bob Fosse musical at that.

At this, the crowd of well-groomed insurrectionists hoisted her on their shoulders and conga-danced out of the theater, signalling the end of the ceremony.