DOVER, NH- A high-level adviser in the Clinton campaign let it slip on Wednesday that Obama's candidacy is ultimately doomed, hinting that Republicans may try to blackmail the Illinois Senator with information that has been in the public record for several years.

"Drugs drugs drugs Obama drugs drugs drugs," said Clinton campaign co-chair Bill Shaheen. "Now, we would never (drugs) attack Senator Obama with such a spurious charge (drugs), but we all know that Republicans certainly would (drugs). Did I mention that Barack Obama allegedly did drugs? Not that I would say that or spread such a vicious rumor or (drugs) anything. I'm merely mentioning that it may become an issue in the general election out of altruistic concern for the Democratic party's hopes for regaining the White House in 2008. Drugs."

In the end, Shaheen's concerns could be all for naught. Asked if he planned on attacking Obama for his youthful chemical transgressions, current GOP Iowa front-runner Mike Huckabee declined, explaining that he probably didn't have much room to talk. Huckabee said as recently as 1992 that AIDS victims should be rounded up and quarantined, a comment that experts contend must have been uttered under the influence of very strong hallucinogens.

While the carefully-planned media non-assault assault on Obama appears to be an act of desperation from a campaign still reeling from having recently lost front-runner status to Obama in both Iowa and New Hampshire, the primary concern among Democrats is that this self-imposed scandal might hurt the eventual nominee's chances come next November. For his part, Shaheen insists that the drug use issue was never meant to get this far.

"I hate that this has become a major story," wrote Shaheen in his fifteenth press release on the subject within 24 hours. "Senator Clinton would never do anything to damage the reputation of a fellow Drug-o-crat, er, Democrat. Shame on the media for even covering this (drugs)."

As it happens, Obama has actually been quite transparent about his past dalliances in illegal drugs, even writing about it in his autobiography. According to Shaheen and others in the Clinton camp, Obama's openness on the subject speaks volumes about the boy wonder's crippling naiveté. Worse still, Obama forgot to mince words regarding whether or not he inhaled, the sort of Bush league error one might expect from someone who hasn't had the experience of spending two terms pretending to be married to the leader of the free world.

"Obama seems to think that it's OK to tell the truth and expect people to vote for you," said Shaheen. "Well, I'm here to say that America deserves better. That's why I support Hillary Clinton."

As a means of illustrating his point, Shaheen privately admitted that, in the spring of 1994, he had witnessed Ms. Clinton snorting a near-lethal dose of PCP off the carcass of a hog slaughtered in a ritual satanic sacrifice. However, the American people will never read about the incident in the newspapers or hear about it on television because Clinton is too experienced to allow that to happen and certainly isn't stupid enough to jeopardize her candidacy, and therefore the hope of the nation, for the sake of cleaning her conscience. In his estimation, maintaining such an impenetrable veil of secrecy while slinging mud and simultaneously complaining about others slinging mud is more than just slimy and duplicitous. It's Presidential.

Upon reading Shaheen's comments in the Dallas Morning News, former top Bush aide Karl Rove reportedly shed a tear. "I'm just so proud," he said, wiping the unfamiliar moisture from his eye. "The old girl has learned so much."

In response to the non-allegation allegation of admitted drug use, Obama told reporters, "This is not the time to go back to the same old politics of, 'now I'm going to smack you over the head with a baseball bat and call into question your character.'"

Upon hearing this, Shaheen agreed that it sounded like an excellent idea and went off in search of a Louisville Slugger.