EDITORIAL- Oooh, Obama. Great job. *sarcastic slow clap* You really showed everyone the way you beat that girl Thursday night. No one could possibly doubt your electoral prowess now. What do you have in mind for your next trick? Stealing ice cream cones from toddlers in the park? Nice work.

Go ahead and slap yourself on the back now, Barack, but you have no idea what's in store for you. For the rest of your life you'll have to wonder whether you could have pulled off the same surprising victory if you'd been competing with a full-fledged heterosexual man. And no, John Edwards does not count. You should know that.

Ask yourself: did you really "win" in Iowa? Do you really need to beat girls to make yourself feel like a man? If there were any justice in this world, there should be an asterisk next to your name in the caucus history books- like Barry Bonds' home run record or Johnny Knoxville's silver medal in the Special Olympics.

Even worse you dashed the hopes of poor, sensitive John Edwards who spent the past four years essentially living in Iowa and looking forward to this night, his special night. Election experts now say that if he can't recover momentum by the South Carolina primary in a few weeks, he'll be out of money, out of the race, and stuck with hundreds of custom-made John Edwards talking dolls designed say more than a dozen phrases, all of which are slight variations on "hey, my father worked in a textile mill." Edwards reportedly spent the evening following the election results on the Logo network and drowning his sorrows in one bottle of Zima after another.

Sure, at the moment the media is anointing you King of the caucuses, but face the facts. You eeked out a "W" over someone who throws a baseball side arm and runs with her hands daintily splayed out horizontally, not something a rational person would brag about.

So, just assume for the sake of argument that you find a way to string together a few more of these over the coming months and manage to win your party's nomination. What are you going to do in November if the GOP nominates someone like McCain or Thompson? Are you going to impress everyone with your ability to beat an old man, too?

UPDATE: I just saw Hillary's speech thanking her Iowa volunteers and guess what. She's crying. It wasn't enough to beat a girl. You had to make her cry, too. You're a real prince, Barack. A real prince.