At 1 and 2, the Washington Redskins are off to a pretty awful start this season. Try as they might, they just can't make it happen. Structural problems aside, that the team's problems appear to be mostly attitudinal. What they need, say coaches, is a motivational kick in the ass. With that in mind, the team hired noted motivational speaker and life coach Chuck Charleston to appear at last Monday's practice to help change the team's sour state of mind and bring them out of its current slump.

What follows is a transcript of Charleston's address to the team:

I'm going to start by telling you something you probably should have heard in training camp your first year: you're just not going to make it. You may think that your presence in the league is some indication that you did make it, but you didn't. Look around you. It's like the end of the Sixth Sense. Bruce Willis is dead, and so is your career. You play for the Redskins.

Get this through your chemically-thickened skulls: you will never win a Superbowl. The sooner you accept this, the happier you will be. Believe me.

And if you think this is a debatable matter, you need to look at the facts. Look at your own performance. Last week, you gave the Lions their first win in 20 games. You made the Detroit Lions look good. Think about that.

The fact is that you will all be broken has-beens within a year or two, maybe three if you're incredibly lucky. Whether you'll be able to walk at that point is mostly up to you and how hard you play.

The injuries you sustain in pursuit of the championship that any reasonable person would say is far, far beyond your grasp will haunt you for the rest of your life. Still, you go out there and bust your knees and break your backs for a dream that died the moment you signed with this team.

So, why try? I honestly don't know. This isn't some reverse psychology trick. I'm asking you. Why try?

The outcome of your career will still be the same.

You're not making it into the hall. You're not going to break any record that the general public cares about, but that's OK. Parlay your local fame and start up a used car dealership. As a former NFL player, you'll still be able pull all the wool you ever wanted win or lose.

Honestly, it's not a bad life at all. So, the only difference is whether you'll be healthy enough to enjoy all that sweet ladymeat.

So, on the matter of "why try" I'm leaning toward not trying.

Sure, people are going to tell you to get out there and kill yourself every Sunday, but what do they really know of the paltry risk/reward ratios out there? People like to say that regret is the most painful human emotion. But people like to say a lot of things when someone else is out there getting their bell rung by players who, let's just admit it, players who actually belong in the NFL.

So, ask yourself this: which is going to sting more, the regret of not playing your hardest in the upcoming loss to Tampa Bay or the regret of losing half your face in a confrontation with a steroid-crazed lineman?

Go team?

Charleston then retired to the practice facility's parking lot to sell copies of his book Maybe You Can't out of the trunk of his car. Although he failed to sell any books, the good news is that he was assaulted no fewer than six times by outraged players. The resulting lawsuits should keep him fat and happy for another year. Charleston's next project: to convince Brett Favre to retire and stay retired.