WASHINGTON, D.C.- After nearly a year of planning, everything was finally coming together: aircraft carriers and thousands of American troops piled up in the Persian gulf, an almost pornographic array of firepower and high-tech weaponry stood waiting along Iraq's Northern border with Turkey, and just last week American advisors began military training Iraqi exiles. And then, in what could only be interpreted as a continuation of Saddam Hussein's villainy, Iraq capitulated to demand after demand thereby nullifying plans for war.

Considering how much trouble the President had gone through to secure an agreement in his own country for the invasion, the news came as a terrible disappointment to President George W. Bush. First Iraq decided to allow weapons inspectors. As soon as the U.S. insisted that the gesture was meaningless unless Hussein granted access to all palace facilities, they agreed to that as well. Before long, the likelihood of war with Iraq diminished to nearly zero. Bush now says that, as a last resort, the U.S. may have to resort to diplomacy.

In a speech Monday morning, the President clarified the administration's position on the issue. "We are doing everything in our power to avoid it, but we may have no choice but to seek a diplomatic solution."

If military action is averted or fails for some reason, Bush says that he will have no choice but to send American representatives to the United Nations to request a carefully worded resolution detailing Iraq's unpleasantness.

"That horrible bastard is going to be sorry he ever messed with us," grumbled Bush. "We're going to bitch-slap him with a cautious missive printed in 56 languages!"

Already French diplomats have expressed reservations about the plan, saying that as soon as they get around to reading it they will have a more detailed explanation of their opposition. For now, say French UN delegates, let it suffice to say that the French are being French.

"What the hell is France doing on the Security Council, anyway?" fumed Bush. "Since when are they a damn superpower?"

Upoon hearing Bush's comments, the Gaulic nation immediately issued an unconditional surrender.

Administration officials believe that if only America could force Iraq into acting aggressively toward its neighbors, the rest of the world would sign onto a military action as they did following the Kuwaiti invasion of 1990-1991. Bush had suggested the diplomats trick the Iraqi President into initiating an attack on Israel.

"Hey, look behind you! Israeli missiles incoming!"

Alas, the tactic had no effect.

Over the weekend, Hussein decided to free more than 90% of the country's prisoners as a gesture of goodwill. Administration officials characterized the move as yet another ploy but had no idea whom, other than the criminals themselves, Hussein was trying to appease.

"It's the very fact that we can't figure out his motive that makes it so incredibly dangerous," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "The confusion Hussein has generated in our intelligence community amounts to a kind of weapon of psychological destruction."